Thoughts on being a Buddhist in the world

by Sean Hillman
Nov. 2009

Here is a brief exchange between another Buddhist practitioner that I met at a Cultural Diversity and Mental Illness conference & myself. She had some wonderful questions that challenged my response. I thought that it might be useful for others to post this brief look at how to engage in mind-training in our day-to-day life. Any errors contained within are solely my own.

1. How does one not feel taken advantage of when living as a Buddhist? I think in the past I have felt I had to let go of being assertive to prevent suffering of others.

Sean: It is very important to not see Buddhist practice as the cause of passivity, or an apathetic disengagement from the world and others. The practice is meant to help us connect more deeply with others...and this causes more concern for them and, naturally, we wish to do everything we can to assist them. This does not mean letting them take advantage of us. In a way, we do want people to take advantage of the opportunity that we offer in lending our assistance, but there must be boundaries. I still struggle with this. I can help, but it has to be not to my detriment (such as interfering with every day living or my well-being). Of course it is good to endure some suffering on behalf of others (like staying after one's shift at work to listen to a colleague who is upset). Usually when we endure something for a good cause we personally benefit a lot...more energy, feeling joyful...so the other has benefitted, and so have we. This is good! I think the most important principle in not letting others abuse our kindness is to know that if we let them do this (and often it is from the impure motivation of wanting them to like us, one of the worldly attitudes) we will be reinforcing this bad habit in them...which will cause more sufering for them in the future. We have to analyse well...if someone asked me to do something that they themselves can do, we need to question that. Also, when we decide whether we will do something for another or not, we need to be sure that we don't avoid doing things out of negative feelings of wanting to neglect others or laziness and so on. Even if we cannot do something for another person sometimes, we should still have the very powerful motivation to benefit them and say "even though I cannot help them right now, I will do so in the future in whatever way i can...and ultimately, I will become a Buddha so that I can lead them to enlightenment." There is a great saying in the Shakyamuni Puja "When I am a Buddha, I will give you nectar." This nectar, or course, is the Dharma...the best gift because it is the means by which people can remove their own suffering and find every happiness. We also must take a firm stance to protect others: advocating for others who do not have much power is very important and we have to do it in a strong way sometimes. I often am very firm with doctors when they do something neglectful or lazy...such as leaving my patients uncovered after doing something wth them. They try to avoid taking responsibility, but I make sure they know that i see them, it is not cool and I will go above them if they do not accept the feedback. I have done this many, many times. There is a nurse who is a big inspiration to me who also does not hesitate to chide doctors in advocating for her patients...she told one recently "i am here to nurse patients, not your egos!" She is not disrespectful, but after every attempt has been made to move the professional to intervene and if the problem remains untouched, something is obviously amok...she will do what it takes to correct it and not care what people think of her...this comes from very strong confidence and deep concern for others' welfare. I use the example of doctors because it is a case where one can clearly see very strong power-dynamics...the principle of protecting others applies regardless of the power-roles we look at. Over the years I have had my own behaviour corrected as well...in relation to caregiving (as a nursing assistant) many times someone has pointed out a blind-spot to me where I am not acting in accordance with what is best for my patients and co-workers. Indispensable. If we give feedback we need to be ready to receive it as well...non-defensively. Even if it is not sent to us in a way that we like, we need to try and find the benefit encoded within it.

2. How does one prevent feeling resentful of the lack of efforts of others when so much effort and hard work by oneself?

Sean: The most important thing is to look at our own efforts and not others. St. John of the Cross said: "Strain not the gnat from another's cup when there is a camel in our own." If someone is not pulling their weight we can do what me must to help correct this, sometimes strongly...but with the motivation of helping increase efficiency and helping the person who is slacking. If our efforts don't change things, and if their activities are harming us, we need to either remove ourselves from being the object of their harm or see it as an opportunity to burn off some bad karma...we would not be on the receiving end of someone else's mistreatment if we didn't create the cause. It is important, though, despite taking responsibility for what we receive from others and the environment, to not unnecessarily subject ourselves to harm. This could be self-destructive and, again, could reinforce the other in engaging in bad behaviour...which is not good for them. It is important to not be discouraged if we feel we are doing a lot and things don't seem to change...karma is infallible. Good activities are NEVER LOST. Keep it up! We can encourage others, and scold them at times when necessary (not out of anger, but out of concern) but, really, we can only make ourselves act...

3. How can a Buddhist exist surrounded in a negative and cold world?

Sean: In a cold world, we need to do our best to be a beacon of hope, perserverance, kindness and concern. If we do this, the temperature of the world will go up a few degrees! Our warmth DOES have an effect on others...however imperceptible. BECAUSE the world is cold, HOW MUCH MORE SO do we need to practice and be the best role-model that we can be? We must not let negative influences, to be desensitized, affect us. Another thing is to see the best in others...even if they act strangely, cold and angry, everyone still has a well of virtues...FIND THEM! Often the presentation is all wrapped up in garbage (like someone coming into the ER ranting & raving), but there is a true need, and something very deep, embedded in the communication. If we look closely, and respond with warmth, it shows itself. Humans are so wonderful....they never cease to amaze me.